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Why do I feel a sense of loss when I forgive a brother, and why is the Course not working for me?!?

I appear to be in a situation that is calling for forgiveness, but despite everything I try, nothing seems to bring peace. I wanted a special relationship with a particular person, and that need has not been met. Consequently, I “punish” them by blatantly “ignoring” them. Intellectually, I can see that ultimately this other person has nothing to do with my problem, but the ego wants to make this person know that they have hurt me. The thing is, my need to ignore this person ALWAYS comes back because the cycle continues, even making me angry with my friends for befriending him.

I'm really becoming aware that deep down, I don't want to forgive this person, I want to hate them. I feel like I am in an impossible situation where I cannot see any outcome that will satisfy me COMPLETELY and that's the scariest thing of all, because I can see only despair. Yet despite my desire for the special relationship, I still want enlightenment. I want to understand completely, to see the truth.

I am grateful that you could write out everything that is going on in your mind. And I know it is helpful to get in touch with the full extent of the ego's hatred before one can let it go. It is very necessary to allow these feelings to arise in awareness before you will be willing to let the hatred go forever. The hatred still seems specific and still has a target in the world, yet as the deepening continues it will seem more and more nonspecific. The ego's anger is actually at God for not granting reality to the time-space cosmos, but this hatred of God is kept out of awareness. The belief in competition with God mentioned in Lesson 13 is usually not allowed into awareness, for it is too threatening to keep in awareness. So the ego uses the unreturned "love" of the special relationship to attempt to justify the anger until the deeper hatred at God and fear of God is exposed. But in looking deeper, the "original error" is uncovered and the ineffectiveness of the special relationship becomes acute in awareness.

Give your mind the permission to let the seeming beast rear its head. You will go past these feelings and be free of them. Simply do not attempt to protect or project them, and they will dissolve. I am joined with you in going through the darkness to the Light within. We cannot fail.