I am sorry for what I am about to say to you, but this is what they call an expression session in the Living Miracles Community, and I want to release this darkness from my mind.
Exposing Darkness as The Way to Peace
I hate you!
If you were here right now I would throw you through my glass doors! I am so angry and depressed because I think you are wrong and I am right. I am mad because I have been trying to be a good girl my whole life. I have a reputation for being trustworthy, for being the friend who is always there for you, a good daughter, a good mother, a good wife—even a good ex-wife! And I don’t want to be a good ex-wife! I tried out being a rebel, and it didn’t work either! I am so fed up with all of you because I have tried to manage how you see me and how you react and behave my whole life. I want you to like me. Well, screw you! I was wrong. Thank God I was wrong. I have been wrong about everything and damn it, I give up trying! I don’t want to be the good one, the good girl. I don’t even want to be a girl!
Jeanne has failed because even when she succeeded she was not happy. So I am done. I am gladly going to attach the puppet strings to every inch of this body and throw them to, no, actually directly AT, the Holy Spirit.
Thank you for listening. I feel so alone sometimes, and that you took the time to read this is huge for me. I love you. Actually, all I have ever wanted was to love you. Somehow we got off track and we started to play games trying to get something from each other. I am so sorry for this. All I wanted was your love and now I see, above all else I want, is to love you and send love to you. Whoever you are and whoever you think you are. If our paths have crossed or maybe even your face only flashed across the screen on zoom or Facebook, you can be sure I have attacked you in some way or another in my mind. I am so sorry—not just to you—but to myself. I want to tell you right now, "I love you." But how can I do that when I don’t know who is reading this? Right now I am truly feeling all the attacks I have put out there in this dream world and right now I am feeling a woosh of turning that same force towards love. I am sending you all such love because right now I am seeing the innocence of everyone—and that means myself.
I really do feel better after expressing all that. And for anyone who attended the Living Miracles' online retreat or movie workshop, you will have seen my question to David Hoffmeister about being in this angry unhappy state.
Listen to me asking David for help during the movie session, The Chosen:
Listen to the whole talk:
Focus on The Miracle, Not The Error
David said, "Don't start counting and tracking your grievances," and that is what I had started to focus on. My focus was on my annoyance with everything, keeping a rap sheet focusing on the error and the form instead of the miracle. His other response was: "Reach out to mighty companions!" Which I hadn’t done. Many reached out to me but I could not even respond. Until now. You are my mighty companion.
And now, dear mighty companion, you have just helped me come out of it.
Crazy! I have started to feel a part of the Living Miracles community through all the virtual joining—though we have never met in person. Now it is opening up to the nameless, faceless presence of you—the one reading this. This is truly a wild ride! I love You, not your personality.
That is so weird! How did I get here? I had no idea this is where I was going when I started writing this!
From Expression Comes Acceptance
I was feeling annoyed and disconnected. The result was a desire to let all this anger out and share it. So, I have to say I feel a thousand times better releasing that. I didn’t know what I was angry about, but just yelling, “I hate you,” got the ball rolling. Now that I feel at peace, I am reminded that I really do want to let go of the person and look only at the miracle.
My “good girl” fantasy has never served me well. There have always been moments of relief and satisfaction when I would be praised, though there was always discontent behind it as a resentment. Something like, “Oh ok, I am only of value to you if I do a good job; or at least don’t cause any trouble.”
A funny thing I just realized is that in my current job working at McDonald’s, I have had the experience of being the absolute worst. I am terrible at this job. I make mistakes every time I am there. Have you ever gone to McDonald’s, taken your bag of food home only to realize you were given the wrong order, or worse—no fries? Well, that would be me. I am constantly having to call a manager to correct some mishap.
I am not valued for being the best. I am one in a herd and not there to improve this person I think I am. I am there for healing and to extend love.
Yesterday at McDonald’s I learned a new French word: “Rembarrer,” meaning: To put someone in their place. Rather than yelling at them for doing something wrong, it is to humiliate them and put them down.
Seeing the Gift in The Trigger
I have been living in France for a long time, so it seemed funny that I’d never heard this word before. Ironically, I asked the woman who often barks at me, and says things like, “That girl is an idiot,” as if I weren’t standing there. Here is my symbol, my projection of my unworthiness and ineptitude, telling me what it is to put someone down. My good girl concept has had a lot of healing through this woman. The good girl is often challenged and triggered by her, but my new purpose now sees her as a gift.
Today I see how I could be wanting/choosing this scenario, this character in my movie. How I like being the bad one, the loser. It frees me from having to be the good girl. But today I know I don’t need either. The personality my split mind has built up over the years is nothing. I want to be stripped of all this. My miracle today was as simple as this: “I am no longer counting my woes, but rather looking for the miracles; looking for the peace. I am seeing differently by no longer obsessing over the form." That switch in my mind WAS the ticket out.
The next morning after writing this, I was listening to the live session I had missed with David Hoffmeister (link below). In this talk, someone speaks up about the pride of being a good student. Perfect! More confirmation of the miracle in letting go of the good girl concept. The person asking the question also brought up grievances with his father, and I was also shown my resentment for being my mother’s good girl concept. A moment during my last visit with her, where I passive-aggressively asked her, “Do you have any regrets for always being a “goody two-shoes?” Of course, she was furious when I said that and I pretended, “I didn’t mean it as an insult.” But I did. It was an attack. I was angry with her for always following the rules of society and for putting those rules before her heart.
All I see now is the belief in unworthiness that she and I shared. And I let it go for her, for me, and for the world.
A Course in Miracles Online Live Stream w/ Music at La Casa de Milagros w/ David Hoffmeister
Thank you for reading and joining me here! Feel free to leave a comment below.