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Is pre-marital sex wrong?
I have two children, and have been with the same guy for four years now. On Valentine's Day of this year he proposed to me, and I said yes. I truly love him, we are very good friends and have a good relationship. I have made the decision to go on a sex “fast” until we get married. I am also giving up drinking and smoking. I feel that in order for the God I serve to dwell in me and have his will be done, I need to consecrate myself from pleasures of my flesh. I explained the seriousness of my decision to my fiance, and now he respects and understands it. My question is how morally wrong are we for having sex outside of marriage? Your guidance is needed as soon as possible!
Thanks for writing. Your story is such a beautiful witness for devotion to Christ, openness, honesty, and sincerity. What a blessing you offer to yourself, your partner, God, Christ, and everyone in offering up premarital sex, drinking, and smoking. Your dedication and demonstration during this period of spiritual discipline speak louder than words, for truly you have been open and honest with everyone. I am sure your fiance feels the directness and sincerity of your convictions, for they come from your heart. You have made these decisions for the right reason, as a consecration for living a life in Christ Jesus, much like someone who undertakes a food fast or someone who takes sacred vows of poverty or obedience in following the Lord. Your sex fast represents the inner awareness that the purpose of your marriage is to be of service to God through the witness of His Divine Love. It is a way of saying to God and yourself and everyone that you are loyal to the Spirit and want to keep the desires of the flesh under the control of Christ. It is a way of expressing the feeling that Christ be the purpose behind all thoughts, feelings, and actions. The sex impulse is a miracle impulse when it is in proper focus. That is the context of your premarital sex fast and will be the context of your marital monogamous sex. You and your fiance see in each other the right partner for marriage and also for the joint establishment of a creative home. Obviously, Christ was invited in to your decision to marry, and the decision was the right one because of Whom you called upon.
It may be most helpful to think of your sex fast as a symbol of your commitment to Christ and the Father, and this you can share with your fiance because it is a reflection of your own deep convictions. The fast is a symbol of turning over your life to God. Your question about the morality of premarital sex is your concern about the moral codes and rightness of sexual behavior at this time. Yet the motive behind the action (the purpose) is what is most important. Strictly speaking, behaviors are not independent of the motives which inspire them. Why you act is more important than what you do. What you do comes from what you think, and you are calling on Christ to inspire all your thoughts. To the extent that you are at peace with your decision-making, there is no need to look to a moral code of behavior. Moral codes are the "letter of the law," while your living, moment-by-moment walk with Christ is the Spirit of the Law. Nourish the moment-by-moment walk with Christ and the judgments about behavior will fade away, for it is not actions which defile, but the error which proceeds forth from the heart. Let the Holy Spirit Guide your courtship and your marriage relationship. This is how impulses of the flesh will fade and grow dim and disappear as your life becomes more and more miraculous. Your open communication and respect and integrity with your fiance will grow stronger and stronger and carry you through the storms of temptation along the way. Nurture these strengths and you will become less concerned with morality in and of itself, for God Guides you unfailingly and there is no need to live your life based on a fear of consequences or societal behavioral standards. A strong inner life of honesty and integrity yields much spiritual fruit.
By being open and devoted to Christ, you are setting the example and witnessing for a life inspired by God's Love. This is always the most important motive for anything. There is nothing greater than this. Premarital sex, the behavior, is not inherently right or wrong, for there are no absolute standards of behavior or form which define sin. The desire for God on the Altar of your mind is the key to a life in Christ and a release of ego. The question to ask with anything is always "what is it for?" The purpose belongs out front, for this determines the way you think and feel right now. God never looks back or "keeps score" with past mistakes. Listen within and trust moment by moment. Peace, harmony, integrity and the release from sin (or error) come from making no decisions which are out of accord with Christ. Christ leads to purity of heart. Always remember He knows how to direct you and He will make the way plain. You need not figure out the way to Him. Just be willing to listen and follow His peaceful Guidance within.
Love & Blessings,