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Is it normal to feel MORE crazy, like I have a split personality, on this spiritual path?
Question: Dear David, I am having difficulty listening to the voice for God. I am continually on and off peace and conflict. I have been studying ACIM for I think three or four years and I no longer see things as I did before, although in meditation I feel a wonderful, peaceful and loving sensation, during the rest of the day I almost feel enraged and furious at whatever. I really feel I am going crazy, I feel I have split mentality, split personality, I see myself as evil and awful and also as innocent and impeccable. It takes an effort to remember to breathe profoundly and recall who I am, and the fact is that intellectually ACIM has been a constant awe for me. I can see how teaching and learning work, how perception, illusion and ego work. I don't know how to express myself. I feel terrible at this moment and feel I need help.
I feel trapped and cheated in this body of mine and I want out! I don't know what I expect you to do or why I am turning to you at this point. I know I can delete this message and feel wonderful tomorrow but I really would like to know if this happens to many students of ACIM or not. The Course has become my almost obsession for the last years. I feel I would only like to be around ACIM students, only talking about God and the HS, only feeling peace and love. I don't know if I am making sense or not, I am just crying out my feeling to you whom I don't know, but whom I can feel is devoted to helping others. I am sorry I cannot express myself more clearly. I am sorry to intrude like this. Tomorrow or even later today everything will be different. I just feel tired of these changes of mind and feelings. To realize that I am voluntarily trying to believe differently than I had always believed everything to be, seems so crazy. If instead of just myself I had a "guru" or someone else (physical being) telling me to brainwash myself to believe this, I would indeed be very afraid. But I have felt the love and peace that this belief offers and I want it. I suppose I am desperate. Sorry! Could you please send me some words of comfort? Am I the only one having these problems with the practice of ACIM?
Answer: You are soooooo loved. I am with you all the way in awakening! The conflict of belief is surfacing in consciousness, as it must, and though it may feel as though you are going insane to the ego, the false is merely being exposed or brought to truth. The darkness is being brought to the light. The emotions you experience are part of the illusion of undoing and are not unusual in the purification of thought, in the transformation of mind to Mind. ACIM is your path and you follow it with devotion. It is an accelerated path of going through fear to love, and as you call on God's love, everything that blocks the awareness of love is being brought to awareness so it can be released. As you approach the core of the ego thought system, the feelings can seem very intense, for the ego is highly threatened by the light and identification with the ego produces the illusion of upset. Take heart, for the end of dreaming is close at hand.
The Holy Spirit will direct all unlearning, and if you are having difficulty hearing His voice I suggest asking the question: "What is this for?" about the situations and events you experience daily. This questioning, if done sincerely and persistently, leads deeper and deeper into the ego's belief system and is helpful in relinquishing faith in the ego. This will help in the task of releasing linear perception and allowing the miracle to rearrange perception to the simultaneous perspective. To use the symbol of the cross, the horizontal collapses and dissolves, and all that remains is the vertical (communion with God).
At some point you may be guided to participate more fully in a "spiritual community," and this form will be a symbol to you of open communication and the safety and stability to allow error to surface and be released. Everything is a reflection of thought, and happily it is learned that changing thoughts by releasing attack thoughts is our salvation. The world can only reflect belief, yet belief can change from judgment to forgiveness as the willingness to lay aside all judgment arises. This is the surrender into God's grace.
"Spiritual community" is a reflection of willingness to call for help and be used in extending help, and this will open up even greater willingness to hear God's voice. The key is not hiding or protecting false thoughts and beliefs. Sharing with your brothers and sisters is symbolic of hiding nothing from the loving light of the Holy Spirit. This opportunity is readily available in all apparent forms of community, including physical contacts and the Internet. It is always helpful to remember, however, that laying aside the horizontal (belief in a linear world 'out there') at the point of intersection (the miracle) leads to the vertical (vision of Christ). "Spiritual community" is a helpful step toward recognizing the communion with God within.
I join with you in your devotion, for Christ calls and we answer. What more holy aim could there be? I love you and walk the selfsame road to God.
Peace & Blessings, David