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How do I go to the edge of my comfort zone and jump into God's Hands while I'm still so afraid?
Question: I have been an “off and on” student of the Course since I was introduced to it 12 years ago. Recently I re-committed myself, and am running into resistance: I am afraid to unlock the little girl I locked up inside of me years ago. I hand my fears over, but they keep reappearing. My question at this point is "How do I go to the edge of my comfort zone and jump into God's hands when I am so afraid?" Thank you in advance.
Answer: I am happy to hear from you. I am with you all the way in your re-commitment to applying the Course to your mind. Your email mentions common themes in Awakening to the Reality of Christ in God. Resistance is the ego's interpretation of the progress and growth which is always happening, despite its judgments about the Awakening. Comfort and familiarity are subtle ego defenses against the change of mind to which the Holy Spirit leads. The "comfort zone" you mentioned becomes habitual to the mind conditioned to ego beliefs and thoughts. It will take miracles, many miracles, to show you that a real Alternative to the ego’s perception of the world is available and attractive. The sleeping mind has learned many defenses to guard against Awakening, for the fear of the Light seems like the fear of death. It is like becoming accustomed to darkness in a theater and needing time to adjust when coming outside after the movie to the bright sunlight. Miracles convince the mind that it is OK to exchange the beliefs and concepts it clings to for more miracles. With each miracle the investment in the ego and the attraction to guilt is less. It is an inward "journey" of attraction to Joy, and the more the ego is exposed the more compelling the Call to Joy becomes.
You wrote: "I am afraid to unlock the little girl I locked up inside of me years ago." It is important to realize that ego defenses were employed by the mind to protect what is believed to be very frail and weak, and the self-image made by the ego (despite the efforts to puff itself up) IS very shaky because it has no real foundation. Christ has a real Creator, but the ego is a lie about identity and is based on nothing real and true. The ego was made by false belief and is dispelled by withdrawing belief in it. As you work with the Holy Spirit you will question the very foundation of the belief system that seemed to make the time-space cosmos. You are actually moving deep within the mind to accept the Truth and experience our Self as It really Is.
As you apply the lessons with willingness, the undoing of the ego progresses. Miracles are invited into awareness more and more, as trust in the Holy Spirit grows, and the wind comes out of the ego's balloon, so to speak. It is in applying the lessons without exception that the experience comes to fruition, replacing the intellectual concepts that were but the first step in undoing. The ego does not understand commitment to anything, and certainly not to Awakening to Divine Love. It is very frightened of Love, for Love is the ego's undoing. As you give less faith to the ego's interpretations about the "resistance,” the lightness and gentle laughter of the Holy Spirit will seem very natural and attractive. A helpful metaphor is a water slide. Tuck your arms in, lean back, and let the water carry you swiftly to the Big Splash in the Pool.
Trust is the key. Don't try to "figure out" what cannot be understood, such as ego dynamics, for example, since the ego enjoys studying itself. Simply desire the experience of God, let the Holy Spirit be the "how,” show up moment by moment with nothing but willingness, and watch the "accelerated" undoing of what never was. Old thought patterns will seem to arise until the underlying belief at the bottom of the system is undone. Be attentive, watch your mind by noticing the thoughts as dispassionately as possible, and be willing to actively question the programming under the surface of consciousness. The choice of interpretation or judgment is best consciously given over to the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will Guide you specifically if you are willing. You need not use ego judgments of the past to tell you what kind of "listener" you are. Present trust will light your path now.
We are the same One and walk the Selfsame Road Now. We can only succeed in Self-realization, for there is literally nothing "else" that can be recognized and Known.